Okay, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m a shitty blogger. Apparently you can’t call yourself a blogger unless you actually blog. Like daily.
So I will now refer to myself as “The Occassional-When The Mood Strikes Me-Half-Assed Blogger” – (and these days half of my ass is larger than the sum of my two holes…um, I mean “wholes”).
I’m not even gonna count how many months it’s been since my last entry cuz it just gives me heartburn…..though that could also be due to the copious amounts of nachos and vats of pinot grigio I’ve consumed since summer patio season started. I have to admit, I’ve kinda lost myself in an eating haze. It’s been exactly one year and one month since the fitness competition and I can now confidently say I have done a complete 180 from where I was. I have realized that I am a closet food junkie. Seriously. I catch myself doing things like carrying a bag of carrots and peppers with me to eat when in public and then secretly going to the bulk store to get my candy ass on. And it’s not even the good candy. Nope. My weakness is the Bridge Mixtures. For those of you not familiar with it, it’s kinda like the red-headed step child of candy – it’s just a box of shit leftover on some factory floor that someone felt sorry for and decided to put all the rejects together.
I’ve gotten to the point where I gross myself out. I swear there has got to be some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain cuz Mama’s now consuming shit I would NEVER have eaten even before I started training. Like, last Saturday I had what I can only explain as a complete out of body experience – which then later literally turned into an outta body experience (my john has never seen more of me then it did that day). I totally caved and did something I haven’t done in 10 years.......
I had McDonalds!
And it tasted good – for like about 5 minutes after I inhaled it. And then I wanted that shit outta my body. There really needs to be a “Morning After Pill” for food you regret ingesting. C'mon, if they can come up with a pill for men you regret ingesting there’s gotta be one for food! Instead, I had a momentary lapse of memory and went right back to my Dieters Tea. Clearly I don’t learn lessons well. After what was another close encounter of the 3rd kind with my bowels, I have decided it’s time to put Dr. Lee’s mixture to rest…. for now.
With the one year anniversary of the competition come and gone and my body a little thicker in places it wasn’t (I’m back to not being able to see what color underwear I’m wearing) I’m starting to re-think my ways. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not about to dive into another body building competition. After seeing (and smelling) those freaks backstage as they basted their bodies in Pam Cooking spray I think Mama’s had her fill…..though I’ve been warned – never say never. All I’m saying is that I’m getting back on the wagon…ish. There is a part of me that misses seeing a trainer twice a week as they berate and mock me into pumping more iron....ah the memories.
I’ve come to realize through this whole bucket list process that I am someone who needs deadlines in order to get anything done. So I may just find myself signing up for something else that forces me to back off the Brie and wind down the wine. You would think being an actress I would watch what I eat ….quite the opposite. It’s more like I eat everything I watch. So on to finding something else to kick my ass back in shape.
As for updates on the list, well I can proudly say I have been able to check off a few more. First and foremost, the 40 Days of Saying Yes Challenge came and went (quickly thankfully). I had friends coming out of the wood works asking me to do some sick shit. Had you folks read the blog I did say “Within in Reason”….which I am learning is open to interpretation.
I will admit, animals were involved during this 40 day challenge. Specifically, chickens….and me cleaning up their shit. You heard correctly. I spent an afternoon cleaning out a friend’s chicken coop (I know what you’re thinking– who the hell has a chicken coop in the city?….Don’t ask). I have to say I do have a new found respect for fowl. Who knew those little fuckers could shit so much? And I’m not talking pretty little bird poo. I’m talking hard as a rock defecation (I will now think twice now before I call someone “Chicken Shit”). Had I known how bad it was gonna be I would have invested in a gas mask.
For those who are having a hard time visualizing this city girl doing this, all I can say is I have video proof below.
Maybe it was the chicken shit fumes that put me in my winter coma....but I digress.
Back to the list: I can happily say I have crossed off #14 off - twice: Perform Stand Up. Before you all harass my ass about not telling you when I did it – note that I did mention I was going to do it somewhere remote where no one would see me. Okay so the Comedy Bar at Bloor and Ossington isn’t as remote as Rwanda but hey, it was a hell of a lot cheaper. And despite the constant having to run to the bathroom to shit my nerves out (shitting seems to be the theme of this blog), I gotta say, there was something kind of addictive about being up there. I’m not saying I’m any Chris Rock or Eddie Murhpy (though I do long to have an ass like Eddy’s in those hot red “Delirious” leather pants http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JfMCBh1sJQ), but I think I may have been bitten by the bug. Or maybe I was delirious from the dehydration after going to the bathroom so many times. Me thinks I may just try my hand at it again…maybe.
And #24 – write a short story. So in the fall I took a creative writings memoir course. Turns out it was me and 13 other senior citizens in the class….(question: at what age do you lose all fashion sense?) And in May I entered the Toronto Star’s short story writing contest. Being that it’s now August I can assume I didn’t win. But hey, at least I did it.
And though I didn’t end up holding a fundraiser for Apne Aaap just yet I did co-run a 6 week Drama Outreach Mentorship Program for at-risk youth in May and June so kinda did something that wasn’t for just me. Though I gotta say I think I got a whole lot more out of doing this than some of the kids.
Next up: Get my tattoo before end of summer…..summer technically ends September 21st right?
Off to go get some water to digest the bag of cinnamon coated almonds and sack of banana chips I just finished inhaling.
Onwards and Upwards (our outwards if I end up back on that tea).
(For You Skeptics......Video Proof I Really Did Clean Out Chicken Poop Below):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OAmyZQhJTQ
(For You Skeptics......Video Proof I Really Did Clean Out Chicken Poop Below):
