Losing It!!

I’m losing it!! 9 days left to go and things are worse than they began.

Not only is my self discipline failing me (I’m not even going to insult you with the copious amount of crap I consumed on set …..let’s just say craft services became my new best friend) my body is also falling apart. Somehow, somewhere I tweaked my lower back (maybe it was attempting to do some of my own stunts on set – how Wonder Woman did it in heals is beyond me). Add to that my knee hurting (the good one at that) and I am a walking mess. Isn’t exercise and healthy eating supposed to keep you healthy?

Oh and let’s not forget the anxiety I am starting to have as I realize I am 9 days away from having to parade myself in front of hundreds who plan on judging my body as I stand next to people who actually took this training seriously.

On top of all this, I am now starting to crave shit I normally would never consume. And I’ll be honest –I’ve caved a few times. Like last Saturday.

Somewhere between Chaka Khan and Cyndi Lauper (Jazz Festival meets Pride Weekend) I managed to find myself in front of a street meat truck. And I lost it. Not only did I get a chicken sausage with all the works, I managed to inhale the whole thing in a matter of seconds. (Please keep your “sausage swallowing” jokes to yourself– my parents read this).

And the other day I saw a commercial for Kraft dinner and I swear I almost licked the TV screen. My mind is playing a sick, sick game with me. I just keep telling myself all I need to do is get through the next 9 days…I might have to wire my jaw shut to do it successfully!

Now I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining all the time. There have been some plusses to this whole training process. Like being able to fit back into a really old pair of jeans. So what if they happen to be my 1987 Suzy Shier acid wash jeans – the fact that I can actually get my ass and thighs into them is a bonus.

2nd plus: some have said my skin looks like it’s glowing. I don’t tell them that it’s just sweat from trying to restrain myself from clawing the chocolate bar out of their hands and ramming it down my throat…(yes, I know I am just feeding you these - but please keep the throat-ramming jokes to yourself, need I remind you about my folks).

Plus # 3: I have actually found a new appreciation for lifting weights. There, I’ve said it. I like exercise….sometimes. I’ll admit, I am actually liking the way some of my muscles look (the fact that I have them in the first place is a whole other bag of candy…mmm….candy).

Now if I could only stay on track with the eating – as I write this I have just inhaled an oat bar from Starbucks and a granola bar both in the span of 20 minutes. Sucks that now this is the kind of food that makes me feel guilty....(sigh) 9 more days!

I am sure I will get a huge wake-up call when I go to the Posing Workshop next Sunday (ya – they have those too) and see how serious these women are. They’ll probably scoff at me as I fake my way around the stage trying to suck in my gut and some how find a magic way to lift my butt. But fuck it! Those bitches can kiss my hairy brown ass (ooh, that reminds me I need to book an appointment with my esthetician).

Apparently they will be approving our bathing suits (still debating wearing a full wet suit to the competition) and our shoes at this workshop. Did you know there’s a “classy” standard to those see-through plastic stripper shoes all the peelers wear?

Finding them is also a bit of a challenge. I had to walk into a big peeler store this week to scout out a pair. As I entered Seduction (it’s a big 2 storey everything to do with strippers shop) I was so praying no one I knew saw me go in. I could just hear all the rumors starting about Rahnuma and her underground job. Yet when I told the salesclerk what I was looking for and she automatically asked if it was for a fitness competition, I found myself getting offended she didn’t think I was a stripper. Clearly I am losing it.

And who knew a piece of cheap plastic slapped on top of another piece of cheap plastic would cost so much? Clearly the recession has had no impact on strippers. I may need to rethink my career - (just kidding Mom & Dad!).

Alright, back to the bucket list -

As for #10 (“Play a Team Sport”), I have my first ever beach volleyball game tonight. Team 19 C (we don’t have a name yet) will be playing 2 games at the Docks (one is not torture enough?).

Thanks to a blog follower I now know how to keep the sand out of my toenails. Apparently all you need to do is run a bar of soap under your nails before you go to the beach. The chunks of soap will block out the sand. I only have liquid soap in my place – not sure it’ll work the same –but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained!

I might add I have not touched a volleyball since my last clinic (not that I touched it much during the clinics) so this should be a whole new level of interesting. Stay tuned for updates on black eyes and bruised noses. I’m still seriously thinking of wearing a caged helmet…though the tan lines could be a bitch.

And I’ve finally come up with a few more additions to add to what seems to be a never-ending list. So here it goes:

28 Participate in a Flash Mob – They look so cool and end up with a ridiculous amount of hits on the web. Who knows, maybe that’ll be my ticket to fame.
29 Try to get a 20 year old to hit on me (that came courtesy of Karitsa). – Though if I am trying to do it, does it really count? And at what point does one become a cougar?
30 Jump out of a plane – I actually already did but it was static line (where the chute automatically opens for you). According to hard-core divers that is the pussy way to jump. So tandem it will be.
31 Work on an Ed Burns Film – This may be a little trickier to do - but hey, I’m not beyond stalking. And Ed, if you happen to be reading this blog – Mama’s got some ideas for your next film.

Stay tuned for updates on the competition – and if I’m feeling brave enough, maybe even a few pics.

4 Weeks & 2 Days!

This is the stupidest thing I’ve done. Really – who gets a kick out of this kind of training? And for what? To stand up on stage in front of people who will judge you based on your body – isn’t that what we as women have fought for years to abolish? And people pay to do this shit!

Sure some are in it for the prize money and a shot at having a fitness-modeling career. And then there’s me – who decided to take this on to see if I actually had the discipline to get my body into shape and eat well.

I’ll tell you right now, I don’t. This sucks!! I am hungry all the time and getting crankier by the day! And all I keep thinking about is the copious amount of food I am going to consume on July 18th. All I know right now is it will most definitely involve wine and some form of cheese. After that, the world is my oyster. Okay maybe not oysters – they make me nauseous (which I guess defeats the whole purpose of it being an aphrodisiac seeing as I’d end up vomiting all over my date).

And my eating is going from bad to worse. You would think with only 4 weeks and 2 days left to go I’d kick it into high gear. Nope.

Had a conversation with a lovely nutritionist last Friday who told me that if my body was craving something it’s probably because it needs it. So I took that as a sign to eat ½ a container of Planters salted peanuts (for someone who has eliminated salt from their diet I’ll admit it did make me feel a little prunish after) 2 trail mix granola bars sitting in the pantry and a plate of pad thai…. I’m guessing that’s not what she meant. But damn it – I was cranky, hungry and feeling sorry for myself - so I caved.

And it didn’t stop there. I was at an event on Saturday night and doing so well when it came to the food. Stayed away from the bread, ate just the meat and veggies. But by midnight I lost all self-control and ate 9 mini biscotti dipped in chocolate mousse. I managed to convince myself that I was actually being good by not eating the whole bowl of chocolate mousse. Never mind that I triple dipped each biscotti in it with each bite…. Sigh, 4 more weeks is what I keep telling myself – 4 more weeks.

As mentioned in my last blog, I also signed up to play beach volleyball this summer (a sport that looked more glamorous on TV than it actually is). And being the keener that I am, I registered for 3 beach volleyball clinics thinking they’d make me a pro before my first game – or at least look like less of an ass on the court.

Had someone told me ahead of time how dirty you actually get playing the sport - and that it’s virtually impossible to get that darned sand out of your toenails – I might have rethought this goal (remember my whole OCD situation). But like the fitness competition – I paid for it so I am committed till the end of the summer. For those looking for some entertainment this summer, stop by the Docks - I’ll be the one aimlessly running around the beach with a big tub of wet wipes, hand sanitizer and sand socks.

Now I am sure some of you are thinking “Come on Numa, you must have learned something from the clinics”. You’re right, I have. That it’s really hard to teach someone who has spent the majority of their life with poor hand-eye coordination to actually get it. Man do I suck! Thankfully I found the only other person in the entire clinic who was actually just as bad as I was and partnered up with them. It’s amazing what playing with someone who stinks will do for your ego. 2 clinics later and I still have damn sand in my toes! Any suggestions?

As far as coming up with more on the list of 40 things before 40 – I’ve hit a wall. This training is not only killing my body (really, who does this for fun??) it’s sapping my creativity. So I am reaching out to you folks for some suggestions. I’m open to it all (except oysters – do we really need to go there again).

So send me your suggestions, creativity is a plus – and stay tuned to see if yours makes the list.

Back to fantasizing about my July 18th feast. Maybe I’ll hold a viewing party of my gluttony in action.