4 Weeks & 2 Days!

This is the stupidest thing I’ve done. Really – who gets a kick out of this kind of training? And for what? To stand up on stage in front of people who will judge you based on your body – isn’t that what we as women have fought for years to abolish? And people pay to do this shit!

Sure some are in it for the prize money and a shot at having a fitness-modeling career. And then there’s me – who decided to take this on to see if I actually had the discipline to get my body into shape and eat well.

I’ll tell you right now, I don’t. This sucks!! I am hungry all the time and getting crankier by the day! And all I keep thinking about is the copious amount of food I am going to consume on July 18th. All I know right now is it will most definitely involve wine and some form of cheese. After that, the world is my oyster. Okay maybe not oysters – they make me nauseous (which I guess defeats the whole purpose of it being an aphrodisiac seeing as I’d end up vomiting all over my date).

And my eating is going from bad to worse. You would think with only 4 weeks and 2 days left to go I’d kick it into high gear. Nope.

Had a conversation with a lovely nutritionist last Friday who told me that if my body was craving something it’s probably because it needs it. So I took that as a sign to eat ½ a container of Planters salted peanuts (for someone who has eliminated salt from their diet I’ll admit it did make me feel a little prunish after) 2 trail mix granola bars sitting in the pantry and a plate of pad thai…. I’m guessing that’s not what she meant. But damn it – I was cranky, hungry and feeling sorry for myself - so I caved.

And it didn’t stop there. I was at an event on Saturday night and doing so well when it came to the food. Stayed away from the bread, ate just the meat and veggies. But by midnight I lost all self-control and ate 9 mini biscotti dipped in chocolate mousse. I managed to convince myself that I was actually being good by not eating the whole bowl of chocolate mousse. Never mind that I triple dipped each biscotti in it with each bite…. Sigh, 4 more weeks is what I keep telling myself – 4 more weeks.

As mentioned in my last blog, I also signed up to play beach volleyball this summer (a sport that looked more glamorous on TV than it actually is). And being the keener that I am, I registered for 3 beach volleyball clinics thinking they’d make me a pro before my first game – or at least look like less of an ass on the court.

Had someone told me ahead of time how dirty you actually get playing the sport - and that it’s virtually impossible to get that darned sand out of your toenails – I might have rethought this goal (remember my whole OCD situation). But like the fitness competition – I paid for it so I am committed till the end of the summer. For those looking for some entertainment this summer, stop by the Docks - I’ll be the one aimlessly running around the beach with a big tub of wet wipes, hand sanitizer and sand socks.

Now I am sure some of you are thinking “Come on Numa, you must have learned something from the clinics”. You’re right, I have. That it’s really hard to teach someone who has spent the majority of their life with poor hand-eye coordination to actually get it. Man do I suck! Thankfully I found the only other person in the entire clinic who was actually just as bad as I was and partnered up with them. It’s amazing what playing with someone who stinks will do for your ego. 2 clinics later and I still have damn sand in my toes! Any suggestions?

As far as coming up with more on the list of 40 things before 40 – I’ve hit a wall. This training is not only killing my body (really, who does this for fun??) it’s sapping my creativity. So I am reaching out to you folks for some suggestions. I’m open to it all (except oysters – do we really need to go there again).

So send me your suggestions, creativity is a plus – and stay tuned to see if yours makes the list.

Back to fantasizing about my July 18th feast. Maybe I’ll hold a viewing party of my gluttony in action.

And Then There Were 27

Okay it’s well over 2 months since my 1^st blog (hey, I warned you I am an eternal procrastinator). But I’m sure you are all chomping at the bit to hear the progress… Don’t ruin my fantasy if you weren’t!

Truth be told I fell off the wagon – in more ways than one. 

This whole Fitness competition training has started to get to me. Who knew eating so healthy could make you so cranky. Don’t believe those people that tell you otherwise – it’s all a part of their brainwashing scam. I swear the day after this competition (July 17^th) I am sinking my teeth into a pound of Brie and downing a vat of wine. I actually have this fantasy of eating the way Friar Tuck does on “Rocket Robin Hood” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebsSyfHaIRY&feature=related) - a little throwback to my fellow Cannucks.

Yup that’ll be me. Totally defeating the whole purpose of doing this fitness competition in the first place. But damn it, I’m cranky and all Mama really wants right now is a bag of Doritos and that amazing banana chocolate chip loaf that keeps crying out to me all the way from the counter at the coffee shop where I sit and write this. Instead I have a cup of coffee (3/4 decaf ¼ caf) and feel guilty cuz I added milk to it.

But I digress. I will get you up to speed with what’s been transpiring on both the bucket list and this whole fitness competition training (which sounds way more glamorous than it is). If I really thought this through before I paid for the competition I don’t think I would’ve done it. I haven’t worn a bikini in 3 years and for some bizarre reason I paid to stand up on stage in front of hundreds of people in one?! Not to mention standing next to women who for them, fitness modeling is their life. Umm, anyone offering free lobotomies? 

All right, back to the updates:

 The night before my first personal training session with Trainer Nick (for those of you in LA looking for a good ass whooping you can check him out at www.nickfitpro.com) I kinda felt like this was my last time to indulge. The final time I will be able to enjoy the foods I do so much till July 17^th.  And like a good person in training would - I consumed everything in my fridge that I knew I’d no longer be able to touch for the next 3 months. It was my “Last Supper” if you will….and desert….and cocktail. 

Seriously there has got to be some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain! 

I knew that eating the entire block of cheese in the fridge along with the half bar of Ritter dark chocolate with hazelnuts and the bag of pita chips with the tub of roasted red pepper humus and the remaining half bottle of wine was not the “healthiest” of ideas before my 7am training…but so what! Don’t judge me. We all have our ways of saying “goodbye” to the things we love….and I clearly needed my alone time with my food. 

So yes, I was on the verge of vomiting from the indulgence (not to mention a bit drunk off the now empty bottle of wine – which I went to bed cuddling) but at least I got my goodbye. 

 I was on a mission to start fresh. Tomorrow the new me (or Numi as y’all call me) would emerge. Determined to eat clean, be strong, focused on a contest training diet.

 What part of my brain thought this was going to be a fun challenge?? And why didn’t any of you stop me before I committed. You clearly must relish in seeing me suffer you sick, sick bastards.

  For those of you that know me, food is my lover, my champion, my friend, my cheerleader and my drug of choice. And for this candy loving, cheese indulging, sweet potato fry loving girl….diets just never work. As seen when I returned back to Toronto from LA and completely fell off the wagon.

 3 weeks later, though Mama’s getting back on (I write this after binging on candied nuts…which I am now realizing give me really bad gas) and man it’s harder once you’ve fallen.  But one look at the pictures of these fitness competitors is enough to light a fire under my ass (which is now easier to do thanks to the gas).

 And with only 7 weeks left to go (remind me again why I chose this as my launch of My 40 Things Before 40?) I don’t have a choice. Unless of course the choice is to go up there and make a complete ass of myself….which is still a possibility at this stage.

 Along with this temporary phase of fitness insanity I also signed up to play beach volleyball (remember #10 on the 1st list: “Play a Team Sport”). Yup, miss “no hand-eye-coordination-no-depth-perception” bit the bullet and will officially start playing in July. 

Knowing what a klutz I am by nature I also signed up for a beach volleyball skills clinic. Especially since the last time I ever played the sport (I use the term “played” loosely as anyone who saw me can attest that “playing” the sport was the last thing I did) all I kept doing was running away from the ball yelling “Yours!” instead of what your supposed to do - like hit the freaking thing and call “Mine!” So stay tuned for the black eyes and broken nose stories to come. Can you wear a caged mask on the volleyball court?

 Now back to the Bucket List.

 Re assessing my 16 out of 40 things I want to do before 40 I started to panic a little. In a state of “gung ho” energy I happily wrote away imagining all the fun things I can accomplish, not really thinking them all through clearly – you can see this is a pattern in my life.  So in an attempt to actually be able to get through this list I’ve come up with more things to do before I am 40 that might be easier to tackle.  

So below are my 11 more things to do before 40 - bringing my bucket list up 27 so far.

1.  Take a pottery class - I’ve always wanted to recreate that scene from the movie “Ghost”, but the only way I’d be able to drag my husband to a class where there was mud and molding would be if it came with ring and women in bikinis wrestling in it. So solo it will be.
   
2. Bungee jump – something about being thrown off a bridge with nothing but an elastic band holding you by the feet is a bit titillating…or stupid. But hey you only live once – and if things go wrong at least I went out on a bang….or in this case a bounce.
3.  Get my motorcycle license – cuz deep down inside I secretly want to be a Bad Ass Biker Mama.
4.  Learn to ride a bicycle again. You know that whole saying, it’s like riding a bike, you never forget. Guess who did?  Plus I figured it’s probably a good idea to be able to balance a 10 speed before I tackle balancing a motorcycle.
5.  Get a tattoo – part of the whole “Bad Ass Biker Mama” fantasy.
6.  Play a song on the guitar – Remember what it was like to sit around a campfire with all the cool kids from high school and watch the popular boy serenade you on his guitar? Ya, me neither. But shit, at this point I am struggling to find things to add to my list - so play a song on the guitar it is.
7.  Learn to play the guitar – would help with # 22.
8.  Write a short story or a short film (I never said a “good” short story or script – just writing the freaking thing).
9.  Roam around the city for a day with my camera and take as many random pictures as I can. I’m more of a capture-everyday-people kind of photographer…so depending on what neighborhoods I roam in, I may end up with a few bruises…or in the river with bricks tied to my feet.  But hey, nothing ventured nothing gained.
10.  Try to get “My 40 Things Before 40” published somewhere – I’m not picky. Hell, even the back of a bathroom stall is fine with me. Think of it as my contribution to your potty time. Anyone got leads - Mama's got the goods
11. Somehow get my way on to a float for the Pride Parade (thanks Kathy for that one). Plus with my morning transvestite voice I got going on I should be a shoe in. Those of you with Pride connections - holler back.

All right back to fantasizing about blocks of cheese, vats of wine and boxes of pizza I go…(sigh) 7 more weeks! 

Stay tuned for more torture updates.

My Bucket List...Sort of

I’m creating a bucket list. 

And not one for when I die. 

Please, I know myself. I am an eternal procrastinator. If I created a bucket list for the things I’d want to do before I die – I’d die before I actually got them done. And being blessed (or cursed depending on what side of the pendulum you swing) with strong genes in our family - my peoples are known to live till their 90’s (late 90’s at that too) I’m probably not gonna kick the bucket any time soon. Which would mean I’d just have another 60 some years of procrastination ahead of me. 

So, I’ve decided to create a bucket list of “40 Things I Want to do Before I am 40” (for you nosy parkers…just know mama still has some good years left on her before she hits those digits).

 Plus, if I put it in writing and tell it to the world I’ll feel accountable to the millions of readers who’ll be tuning in each week to see my progress…or just to my folks (who’ll probably be the only ones reading this regularly).

 I actually came up with this idea the night of my birthday (December 30^th for those who still want to send presents!). But like the procrastinator that I am it took me until March to actually commit to it. 

Besides, coming up with 40 things is a lot harder than I thought.

Right now I am up to 16. Of course there was a part of me that was like don’t bother posting this until you come up with your list…but…well you know what the outcome would be of that.

So here goes.

In no particular order – except the fitness competition cuz I just paid for it. I knew if I didn’t drop the dough I’d never get it done. And truth be told I’m getting a little tired of not being able to tell what color underwear I am wearing cuz my belly blocks the view. Now I know some of you are like “Easy solution Numa…don’t wear underwear.” But for those of you familiar with my OCD – underwear in an integral part of my day.

So I have for you my 16 out of the 40 Things I Want To Do Before 40:

1. Travel to Mauritius. Wanted to save it for a special occasion like our honeymoon – until we found out it was going to take us giving up all 4 of our kidneys… and my ovaries (are they even functioning at this point?) just to fund the trip. FYI – My Big Fat Monsoon Wedding also came with a Big Fat Bill at the end of it. So to Cabo we went.
2. Learn to play tennis so I can hold my own with those people who actually play in the summer time and look all cute in those short white skirts…(I hate those bitches!)
3. Compete in a fitness competition – so I can actually look good wearing those short white skirts.
4. Audition for "So You Think You Can Dance" as the oldest contestant ever on the show…I plan to be the Cloris Leachman of the series.
5. Learn to Dance (would help with achieving number 4).
6. Re-learn to knit…yes it is possible to unlearn something as quickly as you learnt it. I did once knit a scarf... that gradually grew into an afghan. I think I still have the needles deep in the trenches of my closet.
7. Go visit my sponsor child in Senegal. Believe it or not I actually thought she lived in Rwanda up till now, when I just got up from my computer to look at the World Vision card…and you wonder why I haven’t had kids yet.
8. Run a marathon (hey anything to make my legs look good in those tennis skirts).
9. Have a fundraiser for Apne Ap  - an organization in Bombay that helps children of prostitutes living in brothels by providing them with education and tools to help end the intergenerational cycle of prostitution. (The one thing I am not doing for myself…See – I’m not so me centered).
10. Play a team sport…if you know me; you know I have absolutely NO hand eye coordination…or depth perception for that matter…guess that makes learning tennis tricky too.
11. Spend a few months in another country learning their language and cuisine…I know – Me cook? And in another language at that? Miracles can happen kids.
12. Take a photography class so I can actually document this insane journey I’m doing.
13. Write a blog (OMG!! I’m doing that as we speak. Check one off the list).
14. Perform stand up somewhere…remote…probably in Senegal while visiting my sponsor daughter where no one knows me (so when I bomb it won’t feel like a total embarrassment).
15. Dance in a Burlesque Show.
16. Sing back up on stage in someone’s rock band….I say rock band cuz hopefully the percussion and electric guitar will be loud enough to drown out my shitty vocals (did I mention I can’t sing?)

 Okay still working on others but for now Mama's got her hands full.

Stay tuned for updates on training for the fitness competition...ugh!